the duties of parents: #8

Slowly but surely, we're making our way through JC Ryle's little book The Duties of Parents. (You can find previous the previous posts under the category "Current Series", listed in the sidebar.)

Today we're looking at duty #8:

Train them to a habit of faith.

By this Ryle means that we should train our children up to believe what we say. He writes:

You should try to make them feel confidence in your judgment, and respect your opinions, as better than their own. You should accustom them to think that, when you say a thing is bad for them, it must be bad, and when you say it is good for them, it must be good; that your knowledge, in short, is better than their own, and that they may rely implicitly on your word.

This is solid Biblical wisdom. Proverbs 1:8-9 says, "Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck."

I believe Ryle assumes that we're taking our previous Duty #2 to heart: Train up your child with all tenderness, affection, and patience. Our kids are going to have trouble trusting us if we are emotional loose cannons. If they're never sure what they're going to get when they approach us, or if our mood dictates how patient we are, or if we berate them in front of other people and shame them, we can say "blah blah blah" all day, and our kids might comply outwardly, but it's going to be a case of "sitting down on the outside but standing up on the inside." We build distrust when we are not steady and reliable.

Remember that with all of these duties, our ultimate goal isn't that our kids will outwardly conform to certain behaviors, although sometimes that is the short-term effect. Ultimately, we're guiding them toward Jesus, with the hope that their hearts will be changed.

So what about kids asking "why?" when you ask them to do something? Are we supposed to always take the time to explain "why" to our kids? Ryle writes,

I have heard it said by some, that you should require nothing of children which they cannot understand: that you should explain and give a reason for everything you desire of them to do. I warn you solemnly against such a notion. I tell you plainly, I think it is an unsound and rotten principle. No doubt it is absurb to make a mystery of everything you do, and there are many things which it is well to explain to children, in order that they may see that they are reasonable and wise. But to bring them up with the idea that they must take nothing on trust, that they, with their weak and imperfect understandings, must have the "why" and the "wherefore" made clear to them at every step they take, this is indeed a fearful mistake, and likely to have the worst effect on their minds.

As our kids get older, there are more opportunities and reasons to give them more "whys". But our children should trust us whether or not they know the "why" all the time. We'll talk about obedience in an upcoming "duty", and we'll see that this issue of trust is closely related to the issue of obedience.

I think this trust in us and in what we say comes when our kids see us consistently living lives of integrity in front of them. In his (excellent) book Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp talks about "bringing integrity to your interaction with your children". He notes:

You model the dynamics of the Christian life for your children. You must let them see sonship with the Father in you. You should show them repentance. Acknowledge your joys and fears and how you find comfort in God. Live a shared life of repentance and thankfulness. Acknowledge your own sin and weakness. Admit when you are wrong. Be prepared to seek forgiveness from sinning against your children. The right to make searching and honest appraisal of your children lies in willingness to do the same for yourself.

Again, some of this is more appropriate or will increase in frequency as our kids get more mature. You don't want to burden a five-year-old with your biggest fears. :) But even with a five-year-old, you can apologize to him or her if you lose your cool or model something ungodly to them. 

When we expect our kids to trust us, we are showing them what God expects of His own children. That's why it's so important that we are trustworthy parents! Proverbs 2:1-15 gives a clear picture of the value of God's children trusting Him. 

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. 

For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;  he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. 

Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you, delivering you from the way of evil, from men of perverted speech, who forsake the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness, who rejoice in doing evil and delight in the perverseness of evil, men whose paths are crooked, and who are devious in their ways.

Ryle concludes,

... a day will come when [your children] will see the wisdom of all your training. But in the meantime if you say a thing is right, it must be enough for them. They must believe you, and be content.

And again, how clearly I see myself and my own relation to God as His child in this! :)