the duties of parents: #2

On Wednesday we discussed the first duty of parents in J.C. Ryle's booklet The Duties of Parents, which is to train our children in the way they should go, and not the way they would go. (You can always catch up with any of these The Duties of Parents posts by clicking "Current Series" under "Categories" in the sidebar at right.)

Here is duty #2:

Train up your child with all tenderness, affection, and patience.

Ryle writes:

Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct.  Kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, patience, forbearance, sympathy, a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys -- these are the cords by which a child may be led most easily -- these are the clues you must follow if you would find the way to his heart.

I just loved that paragraph! Especially the phrases "a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys."  

Ryle is careful to say "I do not mean that you are to spoil him," but states clearly that we must love our children and let them see this love.  Of course we all believe this, but I think it's one of those things you can never hear too much. :)

He writes:

Now children's minds are cast in much the same mold as our own. Sternness and severity of manner chill them and throw them back.  It shuts up their hearts, and you will weary yourself to find the door. But let them only see that you love and have an affectionate feeling towards them -- that you are really desirous to make them happy, and do them good -- that if you punish them, it is intended for their profit, and that .... you would give your heart's blood to nourish their souls; let them see this, I say ...

He reminds us that kids need gentleness.  He also reminds us that we "must not expect all things at once" and that "we must remember what children are, and teach them as they are able to bear."   He also notes that "nothing will compensate for the absence of this tenderness and love."  He says that if your child frequently sees you "out of temper," you will soon "cease to have his respect."

This might seem irrelevant, because I guess that in the modern day, as a whole, we probably lean more towards over-indulgence than over-strictness with our kids.  

But I think it's very relevant.  I think parents who are consistently too lenient with their kids get so frustrated with these same kids that they then swing wildly in the other direction in reaction to their own under-parenting.

This kind of wild-pendulum-parenting isn't how God wants us to parent our children, but we can always look at His own love for us as a model of parent-to-child love.  He is steady, steady, steady, steady. :)  I love Psalm 36:7:

How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Or Psalm 31:21:

Blessed be the Lord,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city.

I always think, what a neat opportunity, to show steadfast love to our children, even when they are in a "besieged city". 

And look at Psalm 86:15:

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Ryle urges:

Try hard to keep a hold on your child's affections. It is a dangerous thing to make your children afraid of you ... Fear puts an end to openness of manner; fear leads to concealments; fear sows the seeds of much hypocrisy, and leads to many a lie.  There is a mine of truth in the Apostle's words to the Colossians: "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged" (Col 3:21)." 

Next Wednesday, we'll look at parental duty #3. :)