at nuremberg castle (kaiserburg nürnberg) with bob and suzanne

Suzanne: The prettiest view of the city is usually from the castle.

Bob: It's certainly the most defensible position in the city.

Suzanne: Was this the moat?

Bob: Yeah. It smells better now than it would have 500 years ago. It would have been full of stagnant water and refuse.

Bob: If you could get past the moat, you had to get past the ramparts.

Suzanne: What are ramparts? Hey, what are those triangle thingies with moss on them?

Bob: The ramparts. They're cut away like a "V" to give the widest field of fire for the shooter. They could easily target people trying to scale the adjacent walls, for example.

Suzanne: Ooh, the moss is so pretty. And that ivy!

Bob: If you got past those arrows, you'd run down this tunnel into the next courtyard, but they'd pour boiling oil on you through the openings at the top.

Suzanne: You know, they really could have been more welcoming. They're really not very welcoming.

Bob: If you made it through the tunnel and the oil . . .

Suzanne: Ooh, I love these pretty arches and picturesque cobblestones . . .

Bob: . . . there would be more arrows coming at you through the arrow slits in the walls and tower.

Suzanne: LOOK at that tower! That is so gorgeous. It looks like verdigris on top, with all that blue-green. That's just gorgeous.

Suzanne: Yay! The great view!

Suzanne: And look, a Christmas tree!  They are welcoming!

Suzanne: Why did they paint red and white stripes on so much of the wood outside?

Bob: Feng shui.

Bob: In 1100 the castle was just a fortification.

Suzanne: I love those mini-cows! Moo!

Bob: Did you know that you moo every time you see a cow?

Suzanne: Do I really?

 

Bob: And then by 1300 it had grown a bit.

Suzanne: I wonder where the cows went.

Suzanne: This is horse armor, right?

Bob: Yes. It's called barding.

Suzanne: It looks like armor for a pig. That is going to give me nightmares. It reminds me of the ring-wraiths in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

 

Suzanne: Here we have some pretty flower spurs followed by some Mickey Mouse stirrups.

Bob: You could be taking pictures of the cool weapons.

 

Suzanne: And this is a codpiece with a sad face on it.

Bob: I'd say he's more serious than sad.

Suzanne: And this is "armor," is it not?

Bob: Field plate armor. Each section has a different name.

Suzanne: What's the head part called?

Bob: Seriously?

Suzanne: Yes.

Bob: It's the helmet!

Suzanne: No, wait, let me pick a harder one that normal people wouldn't know. What's the kneecap part called?

Bob: The kneecap part.

Suzanne: I know these. These are gauntlets. With real human skin underneath.

Bob: Those are leather gloves underneath.

Suzanne: It's scarier if I say "real human skin."

  

Suzanne: I know this one! It's a crossbow. What's it made of?

Bob: Wood.

Suzanne: Some special kind of wood?

Bob: From a tree.

Suzanne: What are these?

Bob: Swords.

Suzanne: But what's the fancy name?

Bob: Those ones on the right end are claymores. The ones on the left are probably broadswords. The one in the middle is probably a bastard sword.

Suzanne: Bob!

Bob: That's what it's called. It's halfway between a broadsword and a claymore.

 

 

Suzanne: Ooh, look at the pretty view.

 

Bob: When they jousted, the lance would rest there in the shoulder brace.

Suzanne: Do you have anything else to say about this armor?

Bob: Most of the armor here is ceremonial.

 

Suzanne: This is your dream house, isn't it?

Bob: Pretty much.

Suzanne: I thought so.